Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Emotional filler

I'm not very good at letting go. Okay, I'll be more specific; I'm not good at letting go of things I know I should. Here's the rub - the harder it is for me to reach, the more I want it. Take for instance, men. Throughout my life I seem to have been and still am, attracted to what I call emotionally constipated men. Their ability to commit and love is all stopped up inside them (a gross description but so visually perfect!)yet I want to try because...well, frankly, I just don't know. The chase? The emotional drama? Having something to bitch about with my girlfriends? If I say yes to all three what does that make me? Perhaps I'm emotionally constipated and I choose these men because they're safe.

Lately I've been doing a lot of deep thinking which always leads to trouble. I had another surgery scheduled in January and I can't do it. The thought of death doesn't scare me, I've already faced that demon several times. What scares me is knowing I could lose the normalcy in my life that has taken so long to reach. Granted, going to the doctor or to physical therapy 3-4 times a week isn't considered normal in most people's lives, but for me, this is good. I've found a rhythm I enjoy, a defined pace that suits me. I feel even more like me every day. In the process of recovery, you lose parts of yourself because the person you were simply isn't there anymore. Everything changes, it - you must change to get to the next place.

Part of my mental housecleaning led me to my relationships with men. Great chemistry does not a relationship make. No matter how hard you try to stir the batter, if the proper ingredients aren't there, nothing will rise. Oh, I'm just full of metaphors tonight! So instead of trying to make something out of nothing, I let him go. Amazing. If you know me, you're sitting back in your chair and going, "uh huh, for how long?" I'm here to testify that it's gone. I also realized that perhaps the ex-boyfriend and I aren't destined to remain friends. He's moved on to another relationship, a whole new life and trying to stay friends with him is too difficult. I let that go, too. I know!! I did it!! Because as I said in the beginning, I don't let go easy. But you know what? When I thought about it, and looked at the reasons to stay, there were none. Not a single one. Why waste my time and energy on someone who clearly didn't want to be my friend? Yea for me!!

I took a big step forward and made the decision to start looking at websites designed for people with disabilities who want to meet other people. Dating is hard enough when you're an upright two-footer, it's even worse when you're on wheels. So, I'm trying it out. I'm talking to a few people, learning about how they adjust to life and deal with having a disability. But if I get one whiff of an emotionally constipated man, I'm outta there. I'm not hanging around trying to help push anything out of him (can I get "yuck" here!). Told you, I'm all about the visuals and metaphors tonight.

As I close this, I'm smiling. I feel positive about my future. Whatever it holds, wherever it takes me, I'm ready to go with the flow.


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