Saturday, July 21, 2007

Air Supply

I've been waking up gasping for breath. After all that's happened to me, I've finally started to freak myself out. I have two major surgeries in the next month and hopefully, I'll be on the path to wellness. In the meantime, I seem to be on the fast exit to a freak out. I can't help it. In the middle of a calm sleep I've stopped breathing - or it feels that way. My mind doesn't want to rest. There's so much to see, to do and say and maybe not enough time to finish it. That's a scary thought. Perhaps that's what choking me into awareness. I walked into my last surgery without any fears - with these surgeries, I've the knowledge of 18 months of pain, 86 days in the hospital, 21 days in a coma slowing me to a crawl. I'm not afraid of dying, I'm afraid of missing out on the rest of my life. I've been in neutral, idling for the past months while I fight another infection, or deal with another setback in my leg or back. I want to get out, move, do something, go somewhere, not have to feel the pain in my back or leg. Yet feeling the pain lets me know that I'm still alive, still fighting. It sucks.

So, the time's around 4:30am. Woke up, gasping. Instead of pretending to go back to sleep, I'm gonna type. And watch the sunrise. Imagine myself three or four months from now, in high gear, back in control.


At 9:51 PM , Blogger Buttercup2489 said...

I can't wait for that day--when you're up and out again-until then-love you and keep up the hope!!


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