Saturday, December 29, 2007

The bitch factor

I've had fun the past few weeks. Spent time with close friends, shopping with my sister and lots of cookie baking, with my parents doing the bulk of the work. Fun for me to supervise and test the goodies! The holiday season brings out the best in people, at least I'd like to think so.

I spent much of my time reflecting on the past year, trying not to be maudlin about the stuff that happened. I don't know if I'm going to make any resolutions for the year. Is a promise to yourself a resolution? When I was younger, Lent was a huge thing for me because it meant I had to promise to GOD that I was giving up something in His name. Now I don't want to make promises to anyone because it isn't always possible to honor those promises. I don't mean to break my promise but things happen, you know? Anyway, I've been thinking about this resolution thingy. I mean, I can resolve to be a better person, stop using the word 'like' in the wrong context (sorry, it's because I, like, live in Southern CA. It's an epidemic of, like, fantastic proportions - no age limit to, like, who will be infected) or maybe stop being such a bitch.

But I do the bitch so well. No one really even knows I'm saying something bitchy because I smile and use a perky tone. That's when the bitch factor is most effective. Unfortunately, I've noticed I'm a lot more bitchy, in fact, I seem to be bitchier every day. I make snide comments, shoot foul looks or contort my face to show my displeasure. Less perky, more murky. Have the past two years created such a festering wound to my spirit that I now spew poisonous comments without thought to pretense? I hope not.

The events of the past two years have turned me into a different person. Getting to know the new me (Scooter Girl part deux) is, at times, shocking. The old me was more impulsive, outgoing, full of energy and ready to go anywhere. Now? I'm more inclined to the conservative side of the road, less inclined to impulsive decisions, and definitely have my feet, such as they are, firmly planted. Should I resolve to find some of my old self? As I've said before, in order for me to move forward, I've had to let go of my previous self. It's simple, really. How can a person move forward if he/she is constantly looking back? I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking in the rear view mirror and miss the scenery around me. Enough of the metaphors. Honestly, I'd like to keep the bitchy new me. Maybe just dial it down a notch or two.

Back to the resolution dilemma. I have a few more days to decide my fate for the new year. I want to be sure whatever I do, I can stick to it for not only 2008 but the rest of my life. If you remember Lent, then you know when those 40 days and nights were over, you gorged on whatever you had given up (chocolate, soda, gum or TV). So really, your resolve had an expiration date. I think that given my circumstances, if I decide to make a resolution, I should be resolute without time limits.


Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home