Monday, March 30, 2009

Chasing windmills

My 46th birthday is about two months away. 46. Wow. The downside of 45, sliding into 50. 50! Ack!! Where did the years go? I mean, I can look at an article of clothing, a purse or a pair of shoes and can almost pinpoint the moment I bought it and took my prize home. But time? It's been whirling past me.

Remember that indestructible feeling between 18 and 23? You knew everything and anything about life. No one could tell you what to do - because you had all the answers. And that period from 25 - 30 when you finally settled into the thought of being a responsible adult. The 30's was the time to make a whole new set of mistakes. Bad hair, bad shoes, bad relationship choices...but it was okay because we rebounded faster. We were more confident, sure in our knowledge that the right guy wasn't too far out of reach. (By the way, I'm talking to the ladies that didn't marry young, like my sister. She was 21 when she fell in love, married with a baby at 22. Her opinions about dating, when she offers them, are constantly laughed off. She found her true love at a young age. They're still married, even happier, and while they have their problems, they're in for the long haul.) I remember when I turned 35 and realized that I had invested so much time into making a career for myself that I hadn't dated anyone in a long time. It was a big surprise. One day I looked up and bam! 35 and single. With no prospects. I didn't panic but it was the first time I thought that maybe I wasn't going to find my forever love. That was a pretty sobering experience.

Now, here I am at almost 46 and my situation is even more complicated. I wonder if I will ever find someone that will look past the wheelchair, the scars and all the baggage that comes with this injury and see me. I've talked about it before, I know, only this time it's hitting me differently. I'm not talking about finding my forever love, how about my right now love? I find myself wanting more for me. And it's not anymore different than what so many other people out there are looking for in life.

So, 46 and single. Whooda thunkit? Certainly not me. I guess the 40's are when you put together a whole new set of dreams...and balance them with the reality of your life. I mean, I don't feel like Don Quixote or anything. I'm not chasing an impossible dream; at least, I don't think so.


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