Saturday, March 28, 2009

U Turn

Since I returned from my holiday travels, my leg has been fired up - and not in a good way. I've been to see my doctors a few times and the general consensus is that my subcutaneous nerves are waking up. A long 3 1/2 year nap and the damn things are letting it known that they are not happy. I'm actually longing for the incredibly mind numbing coma of the pain killers I had a few years ago. I only want those babies for their ability to make me sleep - and not wake up until I've rested a good 10 hours. Lately, I'm lucky if I can squeeze in 3-4 hours of sleep. I'm whining, I know. What's been worrying me is that the doctors told me this could last anywhere from 8 months to a year, plus my leg was so damaged, it could take longer. Sigh. Oh, and did I mention that my nerves might stay at their present hot poker, ants on fire, jab jab jab fun box?

I haven't felt the urge to write because I've been focusing all my energy into dealing with the pain. It's different than what I've been experiencing in the past few years, so I'm having to adjust. Not easy. I make sure that I keep to my schedules, get out as much as I can, and exercise. I have spent more days in bed, though. Only two weeks ago I stayed in bed for 3 days. It hurt too much to move.

Have you ever heard about the Roman god Janus? He represents beginnings and endings; he has two faces: one looking back to the past, the other facing forward, to the future. Does that make it easier to understand if I say that I've got a Janus on my back? I've had to remember the pain in the past to help me deal with my current, and future pain. Ack.

Through it all, though, life is good. I've said this several times: my journey is bittersweet. There are many things that I can no longer do but there are many more things I'm able to do now. I spend more time with my family and friends; I value every second I am with them. Sure, they can irritate the hell out of me but that's okay; for every irritation is balanced with a lovely moment. I'm much more calmer, I don't feel the need for drama, I enjoy my solitude - I don't need to fill in all my minutes with things to do, people to see or endless wasted hours babbling on the phone. I love to just sit in my backyard and listen. I never made time for anything like that before. My folks have been working on my garden, now when I throw open the curtains in the morning, the first thing I see are the gorgeous flowers they've planted all over my patio and yard.

So yes, I've had to look back for me to see the future...and I think I like it that way.


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