Thursday, November 18, 2010

You gotta nerve!

Blah. The weather in America's Finest City has been unstable, which is being kind. Not two weeks ago, we had a thirty degree change in weather - overnight. Temperature went from a chilly 65 degrees to a Kalahari hot 101 degrees. Then back to a balmy 80 degrees, and next we seesawed to 70 degrees. Now it's cold, damp, foggy and cloudy...and my leg is on fire. The nerves were doing the mambo on my leg all night.

I've learned to deal with the nerve pain, most days. But this constant up and down of the weather makes it really difficult for me to have a day to even out. Too many days of the yoyo and I'm spending more time in bed. Today I had to cancel, again, on the Missys because I only had three hours sleep. My family was surprised to hear that I backed out of an outing with the Missys.

Sometimes I get the feeling that it is difficult for others to understand how really painful it is for me. I try not to be a martyr, nor do I want to constantly discuss how bad my pain is at any given moment. But I can hear it in the tone of a voice or the question of, "Why don't you take something for the pain?" that makes me sense a lack of understanding. Not in an unkind way or an implied "you're faking it" tone; I think it's hard to grasp that I'm on a 24/7 roller coaster of pain and I never get to stop. The pain doesn't go away with meditation, chanting or positive thoughts. It is impervious to anything or anyone. It has no feelings and no goal. The pain simply exists.

It would be easy to take pills for pain; thing is, they do nothing for the pain. They make me slow, stupid and sleepy (my three favorite dwarfs!) and the nerves are still picking away at my leg. Surgery is yet another option. I get questioned as to why I'm choosing not to take this route. It's quite simple, really. I know this pain. I've come to regard the pain as an esteemed adversary worthy of grudging respect, admiration even, at its persistence. If I have surgery and go thru with the amputation, what new road will bring the pain? At least two years of recuperating and adjusting to a prosthesis. Ghost/phantom pain. I have that now and my leg is still attached.

I don't know. There aren't any easy answers. I have to go back to bed.


At 3:53 PM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or maybe we suggest a pain killer because we know you're hurting and want to make it go away...


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