Thursday, January 17, 2008

Pieces of me

This past week has managed to unhinge me a little bit more than I'd like. Before surgery (BS) I had so much energy. After surgery (AS) my energy level fluctuates. AS this past July, I was tired all the time. Gradually my energy has returned but not to the level I had BS 1 and 2. Now I'm discovering my emotional energy is not as solid as before.

It was bound to happen. The past two years have been about surviving more than anything else. This year, and it has only been 17 days into it, seems to be starting off more as an emotional awakening. As I find out what really happened to me AS, the strongholds on my emotions aren't so strong. What I truly believed AS is not true, the more I find out, the more I tailspin. It's a different kind of whirlwind. Anger, sadness, violation, disbelief - I can't even find the words to describe how horrible it is right now. I had put together a scenario that I could live with and now I'm forced to realize that what I needed to believe to be true was, in fact, nowhere remotely close to what happened those early days in December.

As I sit and slowly read the different versions of what transpired, one thing is clear - while these men talk about what happened in their version of the truth, I am the only one stuck living the real truth every day. I'm trying desperately to gather my emotional blanket around me. I may have lost most of my physical ability to stand on my two feet but I won't give up my emotional steadiness. I'll just have to wait out this storm and come out stronger on the other side. I only hope it doesn't take too long.


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