You gotta nerve!

Blah. The weather in America's Finest City has been unstable, which is being kind. Not two weeks ago, we had a thirty degree change in weather - overnight. Temperature went from a chilly 65 degrees to a Kalahari hot 101 degrees. Then back to a balmy 80 degrees, and next we seesawed to 70 degrees. Now it's cold, damp, foggy and cloudy...and my leg is on fire. The nerves were doing the mambo on my leg all night.

I've learned to deal with the nerve pain, most days. But this constant up and down of the weather makes it really difficult for me to have a day to even out. Too many days of the yoyo and I'm spending more time in bed. Today I had to cancel, again, on the Missys because I only had three hours sleep. My family was surprised to hear that I backed out of an outing with the Missys.

Sometimes I get the feeling that it is difficult for others to understand how really painful it is for me. I try not to be a martyr, nor do I want to constantly discuss how bad my pain is at any given moment. But I can hear it in the tone of a voice or the question of, "Why don't you take something for the pain?" that makes me sense a lack of understanding. Not in an unkind way or an implied "you're faking it" tone; I think it's hard to grasp that I'm on a 24/7 roller coaster of pain and I never get to stop. The pain doesn't go away with meditation, chanting or positive thoughts. It is impervious to anything or anyone. It has no feelings and no goal. The pain simply exists.

It would be easy to take pills for pain; thing is, they do nothing for the pain. They make me slow, stupid and sleepy (my three favorite dwarfs!) and the nerves are still picking away at my leg. Surgery is yet another option. I get questioned as to why I'm choosing not to take this route. It's quite simple, really. I know this pain. I've come to regard the pain as an esteemed adversary worthy of grudging respect, admiration even, at its persistence. If I have surgery and go thru with the amputation, what new road will bring the pain? At least two years of recuperating and adjusting to a prosthesis. Ghost/phantom pain. I have that now and my leg is still attached.

I don't know. There aren't any easy answers. I have to go back to bed.

October's Full Moon

October and November were supposed to be incredible months of international travel. Fly to the Philippines then off on a tour of China, South Korea, Japan, Hong Kong and Singapore. Six weeks of Asian fun and history. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.

Mom's brother passed away, delaying our outbound flight which meant that we would miss the start of our travels, throwing schedules all off. It was too much coordinating to adjust so quickly and so, our Asian crawl was canceled. Beyond disappointed. Had a health scare with the Broham (turned out to be less serious than the doctors originally thought) and because sometimes I can be a little superstitious, I decided these were "signs" (yea, yea I know) that I shouldn't go on a trip. The parental units said, "See ya!" knowing I had the Niece, Girlies and Broham here to take care of me. (Note: It was sad that Uncle passed away but none of us were really close to him. He chose to live outside the family unit and we had sporadic contact. At least Mom was able to see him before he passed away).

The first week the folks were gone? There was a crash outside of the house and the windows shook - really gets your heart pounding at 2:30am. Since the alarms didn't go off, figured I didn't need to roll around the house screeching, "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! PERIMETER BREACH! PERIMETER BREACH!" (for those of you who know me, this scenario is totally believable and would have happened if I felt the least bit threatened. If Missy K. had been here, she would have been screeching louder than me)...it could wait till the next morning. Besides, it was raining and no one wants to get cold and wet that late at night unless there's some kind of fun involved.

Next morning, Missy R. took a look - my rain gutters had fallen down. See? Not mocking my "signs" theory so much anymore, are you? Cost of repair? $700 between parts and labor, plus it took two days since the entire front and side had to be replaced.

It has been a relatively uneventful month. The days sort of blend into one another. Only thing worth mentioning is my sudden physical response to the sun. I'm reacting to sunshine now. No, not like I've been officially welcomed into the Cullen clan (thank goodness because I'm so not Team Edward) but more of an allergic reaction. Yup, go figure. I get itchy, angry welts - started when Missy K. was here. Even if I'm wearing long sleeves, which I do most days since I'm always cold - even if it is 90 outside, my internal temperature feels like it hovers around 70 degrees - and my eyes are super sensitive to the sun. The other day it was as if my vision was a photo negative. Creepy, right? (just to be safe, I looked for side-by-side bite marks, couldn't find any, and garlic doesn't make me nauseous, so I think I'm good). Back to the doctor for me!

Halloween was interesting. I've only lived in my house for two seasons and the turnout has been slow but this year - woo hoo! At least 30 kids, one even told me my costume was "cool and he loved the scars on my leg!" I forgot to roll down my pants when I answered the door and my leg was exposed in its natural grossness for all to see. Didn't even bug me and left it out for the rest of the evening.

Here's hoping November slides along just as nicely. Can't believe the holiday season is here and the year almost over. December is five years since my accident. Five years of the wheelchair. Five years and I'm almost whole again. Full circle. More later.