Thursday, April 02, 2009

Red and Gray

I spent the afternoon shopping online for stuff. Patio furniture, corner TV unit, ottomans, pictures, mirrors...little things to finish up my house. I suppose you could say I was successful in purchasing a few things but my credit card certainly was screaming for it to all stop.

Having my own home is something I never thought I would do - the implied and real responsibility is very scary for someone like me. Commitment is not something I do with any measured success. I tend to get bored and when that happens I fall off the track. Since my accident I'm more aware of this bad habit and I've made some progress with the "stick to itness"...and some days it ain't any fun.

I've had a few relationships that have lasted the test of time: Missys K., R., P., and S. to name a few. It didn't ever feel like I was making an effort to stay in the relationship. Now why is it that with the men in my life, I've always had problems? Either the drama is there or I make it happen. Because I'm bored. Because I find them irritating. Sigh. There is no pleasing me I suppose.

From the time I was 13 through about 40 years old, I read romance books obsessively. After my accident, I dropped the urge to read about romance. It seemed like such a waste of time. In real life, it doesn't always work out, you know?

It's been a cloudy day here in "sunny" Southern CA. Perhaps that's why I feel a bit blah. Usually I relish days like this - sharp, cool breezes, gray skies, that little cold snap in the air when you take a deep breath - today, instead of invigorating me, it made me want to climb back into bed and pull the covers up. So I did. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day!"


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