Saturday, June 13, 2009

As an added bonus: For the love of Dick

A footnote to my previous entry about my niece's graduation:

(They put me in an alcove because I refused to sit in one of the chairs and have people step all over me. It echoed in that alcove. Remember this later on in my story, okay?)

Normally, commencement speakers at graduations are, for the most part, pretty boring. The speakers at my niece's graduation were total yawners. Honestly, why do people behave so formally at these events? I was subjected to 2 long winded speeches of how great this professor was or how this teacher changed the course of her studies. Boo hoo! Give me something different, give me something that catches my attention, give me...Dick.

Oh yea, baby. The guest speaker was Mr. William B. But before he spoke, the Dean, the DEAN of Faculty stood before his 2009 graduating class, their families and began his introductory speech...

"I bet most of you didn't know that Dick was born in Canada" (Really? I didn't know that factoid.) I snickered. My sister whipped her head around and glanced in my general direction. "Dick is great." (Oh MY GOD!! This guy is killing me!!) I snickered louder. "I bet you didn't know that Dick played minor league baseball with Willie Stargil. That's right, Dick played ball with Willie!!" (ACK!! HE DID NOT JUST SAY THAT!! WHERE'S MY PHONE, I HAVE TO TYPE THESE NUGGETS FOR LATER!) I snickered even louder, noticed that no one else was laughing. Was it just me? "I can't go anywhere with Dick without someone coming up to us and telling us how much Dick has meant in their lives." (AHHHH!! IS THIS GUY FOR REAL? HE HAS TO REALIZE WHAT HE'S SAYING!!) Notice that audience has FINALLY caught on. Geez. "Dick is going to be inducted into the Hall of Fame for all his contributions for his great style in ball playing." (NOOOO....STOP!!! I'M DYING!!!) Audience is beginning to cover mouths with hands. That's right, my minions, laugh with me, laugh with me..."Dick has touched many lives." (THAT'S IT!!! DING DING DING!! I'M DONE. STOP NOW!!!) I'm moving back and forth in my wheelchair. I can't stand it anymore. "Blah blah blah, everyone here who's had some special moment with Dick, raise your hands." (OH NO HE DIDN'T!!) I hope to God someone is recording this, it has to go to YouTube. "Okay, folks, enough talk from me about Dick, how about we hear it straight from Dick?" (I AM GOING TO HELL. I AM A BAD PERSON. THIS IS A NICE OLDER MAN...WAIT, WHAT DID HE SAY?) "Good evening, folks. I'm sure you've heard enough about Dick tonight..." (I LOVE DICK).

I'm not lying. It really went that way, we talked about it all night long and in those few moments in the drive home when we were friendly, we joked about Dick. I still have several quotes saved to my cell phone. I will NEVER delete them. Whenever I'm feeling down, believe you me, I'm bringing out Dick. It's all about the love of Dick.


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