Monday, June 15, 2009

A Good Dump

Aha!! Did you think I was talking in bathroom terminology? In some ways, I guess what happened to me last night might parallel that type of expelling, but no, I was referring to more of the emotional dump.

Last night was emotionally strange for me. Since my "accident", my hormones have pretty much shut down, closed up shop, for lack of a better phrase, dried up. Doctors have said it is because of all the trauma (yea, that would be the part where they lifted my innards outta my body while they searched for the cut vein) and blood transfusions that I've gone into early menopause. Okay, I know I don't normally talk about "female" stuff but this all ties into my emotional state. If I didn't know better, I'd say I had one of the PMS type breakdowns last night.

Seriously. I'm watching some mind dumbing (or numbing, whichever you prefer) comedy show and I start to cry. And cry. And cry. No reason. There was a laugh track encouraging me to laugh and find humor with the TV show star's antics. But my hormones were having none of it. Twenty minutes of boo hooing into my nightgown.

I'm hoping I'm not going to have a reccurring episode every month. While I'm happy my body is getting back to "normal" (not as many infections) I think the only fair thing is that my body not to return to all "normal" functions. After all I've been through; without complaints, without tears or tantrums, remaining as positive as possible - you think the universe could cut me a break and not return everything? Is that too much to ask? I've discussed this with some of my girlfriends, they agree that this is a fair trade.

So, again, to throw this out into the universe, I'm okay without this monthly function, really. I don't feel cheated as a woman. I can do without the monthly hormonal rages, the pimply breakouts, the unexplained tiredness, the insomnia (like I need any of this crap - oh, another dump reference, I'm good!!) the whole lot of it - I don't want it.

Here's hoping tonight I might fall asleep and dream happily.


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