Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Wicked Ways

Is it really the last two weeks of August? Where have the summer days gone? I promised myself that I would accomplish several things and I don't think I've come close to reaching those goals. Didn't lose any weight - found some, though. On my face, butt and belly. (Why not the boobs, why not the boobs?) Didn't have surgery..we'll put a plus in the finished column for that one! Did some travelling and planned a few small trips in the future. That's a good thing! Didn't find a cute, chic shoe for my left foot - I'm left with this brutish black velco monster. Sigh. Hideously grotesque...Frankenstein footwear. Still haven't gone to a movie since the surgery in December 2005. Silly mental block. I guess it has something to do with being in a dark room with lots of steps around me. Okay, that and the fact they put the wheelchairs really close to the screen. Haven't been able to walk without my walker. Oh well, don't think that's going to change, either.

Heading to LA this weekend. Going to see Wicked...a year late but I'm going! Last year I was so sick from my surgery in August (leaky stuff out of my back)that I was unable to go. Missy R. and Mr. Hubby R. raved about the show. Can't wait to see it!!

The biggest thing for me this summer? Letting go and living. I was so afraid to plan for the future because I didn't know what would be there. The past few months I've been feeling more positive about my abilities, how well I've been able to adapt to different situations without panicking - believe me, you do. When you're an upright, it's easy to climb those stairs, hop on the escalator or step up onto the curb. On four wheels, it's all about the planning and patience...lots and lots of patience. It's still a bit irritating when I see obviously healthy people being lazy and taking the elevator, leaving me unable to fit inside. Big sigh. What can you do? Anyway, adjusting to new situations, finding creative ways to solve issues, and laughing instead of bitching. That's really important. Bitching makes you madder and more frustrated, not to mention those with you become the same through mood osmosis. Smiling and laughing diffuses the tense feeling. I feel lighter (too bad it's only in spirit and not actual poundage!) and I guess the word is, peaceful. One deep breath and it ain't so bad. Two deep breaths and I feel the smile. Wow, this has been one long ramblin' blog to nowhere.

Today I read an obituary on another blog. The obituary was written by a family member. Remember my entry where I wrote about leaving memory footprints? This lady left nothing but holes. What kind of legacy is that for the future? Here's a small part of what was written: "Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM."

Isn't that horrible? What destruction she left behind. Tonight, go outside and look at the sky. Take a deep breath, exhale slowly. Life in its smallest details are sometimes the sweetest and easiest to enjoy. Poor Dolores, she probably couldn't find that sweetness and became an embittered old woman. Whenever I feel myself tensing and the bitchy coming on, I'll remember Dolores and her wicked ways. That will bring me back from the dark side. So, maybe I've found something positive Dolores left behind. Told you I've been silver lining everything!! Happy week, folks!!


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