Saturday, February 23, 2008

Bitter Pill

Well, with Dad sick and Mom away, it has really brought up the issue that I need a caretaker. You don't know how incredibly difficult that is to accept. I'm getting angry with my father because he's not able to take care of me, I'm angry at myself for being so dependent...this completely and absolutely sucks. I can't find the words other than this sucks.

My Dad hasn't left the couch all day except to go to the restroom, get food, or feed the dogs. In between all that, he leaves plates on the counter, juice containers on the table, the toaster out on the counter, the trash can is full, the house is dirty, my commode needs to be emptied, my spare wheelchair needs to go in the trunk of my car, there are cardboard boxes that need breaking down and put in the recycle bin, the recycle trash bin needs dumping...the list seems endless. I tried cleaning the counters, sweeping (ha! that was interesting), tidying up as much as I could.

There's such a bad taste in my mouth. Getting angry with my Dad is ridiculous but when you're almost completely dependent on another person to care for you, you need that person. I know I'm not really angry at him, that it's all coming from my own frustrations, only it doesn't matter because I feel so helpless. I know it's irrational. Duh, I know I sound like a self-centered spoilt brat, but that's the way I feel right now - however misplaced or misguided my anger might be.

I'm trying to do as much as I can but let's be honest here, there's not much I can do - and this whole sick thing just pushes me harder to the realization that my abilities are limited. Pish posh, I know there are other disabled people out there that can do more for themselves - I'm not there yet so I'm venting. Still, there's no denying when you need someone to reach for your shoe which slid underneath your bed and he can't get up from the couch because he doesn't feel well and you can't walk without your shoe, well, you have a problem.

So I'm feeling a little sorry for myself. Big deal. I'll get over it like I always do but until then, waaa waaa waaa. This is a situation I never planned for or thought I would be in. Take that and try swallowing it down. It's not easy and I suspect there are times when it will be even harder.


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